6 – From the Inside Out
Core Question
How can you integrate spirituality and psychology to become a better human?
Core Practice
Develop the art of self-awareness.
Quite often we find ourselves stuck.
Whether we’re in the midst of a stagnant relationship or staring at a blank page.
Now, I could give you a ton of how-to’s to get you unstuck from whatever holds you – from a lack of ideas to healthy relationships.
But to be honest, these are simply salves, and not the robust solutions we need that will actually make our lives better. Sure I could give you “5 Steps to Becoming a Better Person,” but we all know the principles Buzzfeed uses to get you to click on their links aren’t strategies for transformation.
The only way we transform, the only way become better people, and the only way we become better artists is through the crucible know as self-reflection.
Making better only happens from the inside out.
My friend, Jarrod, always says this:
“People don’t learn from their experiences – they learn by reflecting on their experiences.”
If we’re willing to take a close enough look at ourselves we often find that much of our current “stuck-ness” has evolved from of a lack of self-awareness.
In Module Six, we’re going to learn a lot about ourselves by way of a story about the time I took drugs to treat anthrax, my most recent panic attack, my all-time favorite personality profile: the Enneagram, and by taking a closer look at the color wheel to tell us why every artist needs a therapist.
If it sounds fun, it is!
And so now we must do the “work, before the work” as Parker Palmer says – and learn from our experience.
“It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings.” – Wendell Berry
The preceding quote graces the very first page of Molly Wizenberg’s heartbreakingly, triumphant book, Delancey, about the pizza restaurant she began with her husband in Seattle. The entire project was fraught with difficulty from day one. Eventually, the restaurant opened to great acclaim, but not without a terrible amount of wrestling first.
Already you can tell that the story of Delancey has all the elements of a truly great epic: trials, tribulations, eventual smash success.
If we’re honest, isn’t this the life we all want?
Especially that last bit: eventual smash success.
What most of us don’t realize, however, is that we don’t get to the smash hit, or even the lukewarm reception, for that matter, without the trial or the tribulation.
Just give me the good stuff and I’ll skip over those nasty bits, thank you very much.
But this isn’t how real life works.
In fact, there is something deeply profound and life-changing as we stand, feet planted, in the impeded spring our friend Wendell Berry describes. But, only if we allow ourselves the gift of confusion, the gift of not knowing which way to go, the gift of having come to the end of our rope, the gift of being baffled.
It is then that we sing.
TIME OUT
Before we even get started, take a moment to think about how you approach life.
Do you tend to lean more towards spirituality or psychology? Spend a little time thinking about where that worldview came from.
Did you grow up in a particularly spiritual home? Or not? Did your parents read Freud, the Bible, or both?
ALWAYS READ THE PAMPHLET!
For over 20 years, I’ve had chronic sinus infections.
Since high school it seemed that before or just after any stressful event, whether it was the opening of The Music Man, speaking at graduation, too many all-nighters trying to make up for work I could have easily done at the assigned times throughout a semester, or just the anxiety and stress that came with keeping up with all the lies I had to tell to keep my addiction to pornography and it’s related cousins alive, I would come down with a sinus infection.
Even really great events could provoke my body to shut down completely.
The week after I published UNTITLED: bam!
The week after I finished graduate school: you guessed it.
And the day after Margaret and I got married – yup, terrible sinus infection, which relegated me to the patio of our suite in Mexico where I sweated out the first two days of our honeymoon. I’m a hopeless romantic, I can’t help it!
After having so many of these nasty infections, I can tell when one is coming on. I know exactly how it feels and know exactly how long it will be before I’m out of commission. But before the infection can truly take hold I get on the phone and call my doctor. I’ve had maybe 20 sinus infections and each and every time I’ve taken an antibiotic. Now, I’m not trying to spark a debate over the pros and cons over antibiotics, but after this last round of hardcore medication, I started wondering if I needed a new way altogether.
About 6 months ago, after another big project had finished, I could feel it coming – the achy body, the sore throat, the yucky brown stuff coming out of my sinuses every morning.
Because I didn’t have much time to rest up before another huge project for which I needed to travel to Florida and then to the Middle East, I needed to get this taken care of STAT. I was given a fairly strong dose of antibiotics and felt better relatively quickly. Then within a week of taking it, I tanked. I was leaving for my big trip the next day and needed something stronger. My doctor prescribed a rather potent antibiotic and I grabbed it as I headed to the airport.
The relief of having something in your hands that you know will make your pain go away is quite a feeling.
In fact, what I’ve just described is the dominant sequence of emotions in my life: begin to experience pain, then do everything in your power to prevent yourself from feeling it very deeply. As you’ll learn later in the module, this is a core trait of the 7 on the Enneagram.
I got on the plane and popped the pills.
Just before we took off, I decided to read the silly pamphlet they include that shares all the potential side effects and precautions you should take. Near the middle of the page, as it described the other ailments this antibiotic was qualified to treat, in a font way too benign to carry the words it spelled out, I read the following:
“Can also be used to treat anthrax and plague.”
As I pondered that statement I thought to myself, if I’m taking the drug that treats anthrax and plague, what can they give me when I get sick NEXT!?!?
Fear dropped into my heart as I ruminated about what was really going on in my body. Certainly I was getting sick on a pretty regular basis, but what else was going on? What was making me sick? What was going on on the inside? And what did I need to start doing so that I could stop taking antibiotics?
That episode launched me on a 6 month quest to find a homeopath, dive deeper in therapy, and start dramatically changing my eating habits.
Recently I got sick again. I could tell it was a sinus infection.
But through the power of herbal supplements, sleep, water, and a whole lot of prayer, it was the first sinus infection that I treated without antibiotics in my whole entire life! I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t think my body was actually capable of getting well without dramatic intervention.
Again, I’m not arguing against western medicine. I love it. Truly, I do. My point in telling you this story is that I had come to place where I needed to start trying something new.
Undoubtably as you read this, things that need new solutions are coming to mind. Some messy part of a relationship, anxiety in general, a project you just can’t seem to start, a project you just can’t seem to finish. Certainly, all of these scenarios can be treated with easy-fix-5-step-type-antibotics, but here at Make Better, we’re not just interested in treatment, we’re interested in healing. And healing only comes to those who are willing to understand not only WHAT is going on, but WHY.
TIME OUT
Spend a few minutes thinking about what things need some fixing.
Where are you stuck? Where do you need a new solution? This could be a specific work or creative problem. But it also could be a relationship, or a new endeavor. Describe in as much detail as possible how you feel stuck.
How have you tried fixing it in the past? Where have you used a salve when you needed a solution? If we look closely, most of the areas in which we find ourselves stuck aren’t new. In the same vein, the way we’ve tried to fix the recurring problems often aren’t unique either.
THE ENNEAGRAM: an ancient way to understand yourself today
A number of years ago I was introduced to the Enneagram by my good friend, Shauna Niequist. I had started a new job that I wasn’t exactly how to do and I’d been married for just a couple of years, and I wasn’t quite sure how to do that well either.
Shauna asked if I’d ever heard of the Enneagram and after a short explanation I was completely sold.
I’ve taken every personality test under the sun – Myers Briggs, Strength Finders, DISC Profile, you name it – but have never found one that integrates my story, my strengths, my weaknesses, and my spirituality in such profound and meaningful ways. It truly has been life-changing for me.
In a moment you’ll hear my interview with Shauna as we talk about about the Enneagram more in-depth and how it can help you. But, before we dive in, Shauna gives us just a little back story.
She writes the following on her blog:
The Enneagram has given me a framework for how to live in the healthiest possible way based on my type–how to make decisions, interpret my feelings and responses, and interact well with my husband and friends.
A tiny bit of background: the Enneagram is an ancient Catholic way of classiflying personality types, and the word means “nine types.” It’s been used in monasteries for centuries, and lots of the best writing & training about it comes from the Catholic tradition.
There are quizzes, but frankly, I really recommend people don’t use them. I think the best thing to do is to read through each type description and find the one that resonates most deeply with you.
Now, have a listen to our interview and as we walk through the types, be thinking of the following questions:
What is your gut reaction as we have the conversation? Does the Enneagram seem helpful to you?
Which type or types most resonate to you?
Which seem particularly NOT you?
SOUNDCLOUD: Interview with Shauna Niequist
PHOTO CREDIT: Bjorn Amundsen
If you care to jump around, below are some highlights and links:
1:00 Learn more about Shauna Niequist
Check out Shauna’s books hereAnd her blog here
3:20 Delancey, by Molly Wizenberg by Molly Wizenberg by Molly Wizenberg by Molly Wizenberg by Molly Wizenberg by Molly Wizenberg by Molly Wizenberg by Molly Wizenberg by Molly Wizenberg by Molly Wizenberg by Molly Wizenberg by Molly Wizenberg by Molly Wizenberg
“It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings.” – Wendell Berry“It’s always offroading that’s going to bring you transformation” Shauna
5:50 All About the Enneagram
6:26 Enneagram Origin6:55 How Shauna found out about the Enneagram7:50 How it’s different from other personality testsCheck out Shauna’s blog post about the Enneagram
11:27 Recommended Enneagram Books & Resources
Riso and Hudson’s Wisdom of the EnneagramEnneagraminstitute.comThe Enneagram in Love and Work, , Enneagraminstitute.comThe Enneagram in Love and Work, , Enneagraminstitute.comThe Enneagram in Love and Work, , Enneagraminstitute.comThe Enneagram in Love and Work, , Enneagraminstitute.comThe Enneagram in Love and Work, , Enneagraminstitute.comThe Enneagram in Love and Work, , Enneagraminstitute.comThe Enneagram in Love and Work, , Enneagraminstitute.comThe Enneagram in Love and Work, , Enneagraminstitute.comThe Enneagram in Love and Work, , , by Helen Palmer
12:30 Enneagram Types
It’s helpful to use the process of elimination to determine your type
12:50 Type One: The Reformer
“What’s broken and how can I fix it?”
13:50 Type Two: The Helper
“Who’s hurting and how can I help them?”
15:02 Type Three: The Achiever
“What do I have to do to succeed in this environment?”
16:04 Type Four: The Individualist
“How can I establish myself as unique in this environment?”
20:11 Type Five: The Investigator
“What information do I need to understand this environment?”
21:57 Type Six: The Loyalist
“Where is possible danger and how can I protect the people I love?”
24:50 Type Seven: The Enthusiast
“How can I add more energy or make this feel like a special occasion?””
33:19 Type Eight: The Leader Challenger
“Who’s in charge, and do I need to take over?”
35:51 Type Nine: The Peacemaker
“How can I avoid conflict and bring about reconciliation?”
41:26 What can we do to implement this information today?
How can I live out my life in terms of my relationships?How can I live out my life in terms of my spirituality?
TIME OUT
What was your gut reaction as you listened to our conversation? Does the Enneagram seem helpful to you?
Which type or types most resonated to you? If you already knew your type going in, what did you learn about yourself that was new or convicting?
Thirsty: how forgetting to tell just one piece of my story put me in bed for two days
I had been working on writing a story about falling off a slide when I was four years old for a year or two. At one point, I was writing it to possibly include in a book called Inciting Incidents. Then I thought it might become a blog post and eventually I started fine tuning it for our weekend services. A number of drafts were penned and then after I got back from a trip to the Middle East, it seemed that all metaphors had fallen into place. We put it on the schedule and I set to memorizing.
In theatre school we had a professor named, Trudy, a very sweet name for a very mean lady. I loved her. She was tough and smart and didn’t take any bullshit. She was exactly the kind of teacher a bamboozler like myself needed. If it was your turn to perform a scene or monologue and it became apparent you didn’t have it memorized, like, the whole thing memorized, she would send you home. She wasn’t being cruel, she just wanted to be clear:
If you don’t have your lines memorized, you can’t tell the story.
If you don’t have your lines memorized you can’t be in relationship with your scene partner. Instead of listening to their inflection and responding to what they’re saying, your brain is dead as it drags along along waiting for it’s next cue to jog your next line. Blah, blah, blah, my line. Blah, blah, blah, my line.
“This is not acting,” she would say. “This is shit!”
A week into working on memorizing the story about falling off the slide, I started to feel a tinge of anxiety. It wasn’t anything particularly acute, but rather a slight increase in volume to the rumble that’s almost always there. I pressed on but as the week came to a close and the weekend approached, something happened that has never happened before:
I couldn’t memorize my lines.
No matter what I tried, I couldn’t do it. I’d get a few phrases in and then my mind would jump to being in front of thousands of people, not knowing what to say, and with that terrifying picture in my pre-frontal, the lines I had committed to memory were washed away into a sea of panic.
Saturday morning, I issued an S.O.S. and asked if my lines could be put on the screen that sit just in front of the stage. The team obliged, and I was saved. Or so I thought.
Have a look at the final piece below before we continue.
On Sunday after the last service I felt such a deep sense of relief. Thanks to having my lines in front of me, the weekend went off without a hitch. That night I fell asleep so grateful that my anxiety had quelled and I could move on.
Because of some upcoming deadlines I wasn’t able to take Monday off. This was just fine as it kept my mind running. But then Tuesday arrived and with some space for my heart to wander: BAM! Full on panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t focus. I hadn’t felt this way in nearly 6 years. Frankly, I felt scared as I couldn’t immediately discern what was causing the attack.
I usually see my therapist on Tuesday’s so luckily I had an appointment already scheduled. I told him how I was feeling. I told him how confused I was that I was having a panic attack after the weekend was over that I couldn’t memorize my lines. He asked me to tell him the story I told about falling off the ladder and without missing a beat I launched into story you just watched above. As I got to the part where I actually hit the sand, a brand new thought hit me as well:
I hadn’t told the whole story.
You see, I wasn’t alone on that beach. My dad was with me. And he had been drinking. Throughout my whole life my dad wrestled with demons floating in a vodka bottle and that afternoon, with the sun beating against the sheet metal slide, they had gotten the best of him, and numbed his judgement just enough to let me climb to the top of the slide without any supervision.
As I sat in my therapist’s office, the tears began to flow as I grieved not being caught by my dad that afternoon and for the odd way my mind neglected to tell that part of the story.
If we look deep enough, we all have places in our narrative where we haven’t told the story. Sometimes we leave out bits intentionally, worried what people would think if they actually knew the truth. And sometimes the bits leave themselves out as our subconcious decides for us what to say and what not to.
We’ll dive much deeper into the telling of our stories in Module Seven, but for now, spend some time thinking about what bits of your story have gone unspoken, unforgiven, unresolved?
TIME OUT
Reflect on a time when your story caught up to you, inviting you to do more work on the unfinished parts of yourself.
If you’ve not experienced this in the past, take a moment to answer the following question: when things are finally quiet, what are the old tapes that start playing? These tapes might contain words from someone or it might include images.
What I want you to do is to start getting used to listening to the spaces in-between.
Why Every Artist Needs A Therapist
“Experience is, for me, the highest authority. The touchstone of validity is my own experience. No other person’s ideas, and none of my own ideas, are as authoritative as my experience. It is to experience that I must return again and again, to discover a closer approximation to truth as it is in the process of becoming in me.” – Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person
In 1892, John Franklin Earhart wrote a book called, The Color Printer: A Treatise on the Use of Color in Typographic Printing………...……. The volume, essentially a manual for printers of the day on how to properly mix colors, is rather dry except for a number of exquisite color illustrations.
You all remember the color wheel from kindergarten art class where we discovered that every color ever is some combination of the three primary colors: red, blue, and yellow?
Well, Mr. Earhart takes a little over 130 pages to make the same point.
What struck me about the book was how similar you and I are to the color wheel, and every other example Earhart displays. We’re all, every one of us, made up of some combination of similar ingredients and it is our stories, our pasts, that define just how much of each color, how much saturation, how much contrast, how much brightness our lives hold.
Great therapy is like a color wheel.
I recently heard a talk by John Ortberg. About halfway through, he said something I haven’t been able to shake:
“You bring to your work the person you are becoming.”
It occurred to me that John Ortberg was making the same point as John F. Earhart, which is to say that we bring to the printing plate, and the art we make, a very specific mix of colors and we must understand how these colors came to be.
Unfortunately, most of us can’t do this work alone.
Just like printers of the 19th century needed Mr. Earhart’s manual to discern how colors were made and to help them understand what happens when these colors overlay one another, every artist needs a therapist to help them do the same.
Perhaps it is because I got my Masters degree from a school with the word “psychology” in the name, perhaps it’s because I’ve been seeing a therapist of one kind or another since my parents divorced when I was a kid, or perhaps it’s because I don’t know of an artist I really respect who hasn’t submitted to the often painful (but beautiful) process of self-discovery and self-awareness, I’m pretty sure I’m ready to go on record by saying:
You can’t know who you’re becoming – you can’t know the colors that have defined you, without a lot of help.
Namely from someone with the title of Phd., Dr., LCSW, or LMC.
The core question therapy asks is this:
What colors are layered within you and how did those colors come to be?
This question, if unanswered, will almost always end in ruin when we inevitably encounter crisis, pitfalls, sticky relationships, and the like.
The stories we tell, whether we know it or not, will always be an expression of the people we are and the people we’re becoming. The stories we tell will today will always contain every single color and hue of each and every story that has come before it. And it is only by understanding these past stories and the colors that have made up our tragedies, romances, moments of hilarity, humiliation, surprise, and suspense, that we begin to understand how to tell new stories in meaningful, beautiful ways, and colorful ways.
If someone isn’t helping us understand the colors that have made up who we are, we’ll never be able to do the work we were made to do.
TIME OUT
What is your general reaction to the statement that every artist (including yourself) needs an artist?
Who in your life can you depend on to regularly help you understand the colors that are layered within you? A therapist? A small group leader? A wise friend? A pastor?
If you don’t have this person, what kind of help do you need to begin a relationship like this?
“It has been the aim of the author to produce a work showing, in a measure, what can be accomplished with common colors, by printing over one another…” – John F. Earhart, The Color Printer
The examples throughout the book are stunning. Layers upon layers. Colors upon colors.
Like Earhart’s manual, you need a guide to help you get back to the basics; to unravel the make up; to discover the stories that have made the colors.
The work of the artist is to tell great stories by painting an unfinished world with extraordinary color.
The work of the artist is to create art which shows what happens when stories (and colors) combine.
But first the work is to understand what colors (and stories) have painted you.
FINAL QUESTIONS
Who are you in the process of becoming these days? And how does that impact the work you are currently doing?
Spend some time thinking through how the health of your insides is connected to the beauty of your work. Where do you need some help?
ADDITIONAL READING & RESOURCES
- ARTICLE: Self-Awareness as a Secret Weapon for Habit Change
